When Grief Strikes Close: Processing Loss in Real Time

After losing my beloved aunt shortly after recording episodes about grief, I'm sharing my raw, real-time experience with grief to help others who might be going through similar pain.

• Experiencing grief firsthand shows that knowing about grief intellectually doesn't protect you from the emotional impact
• My aunt was like a second mother who always knew what I needed without asking
• Despite having nothing "left unsaid" with my aunt, I still struggle with not being able to attend her funeral
• The importance of telling loved ones how you feel before it's too late
• Finding meaning in grief by sharing experiences that might help others
• Grief is love with nowhere to go, and healing is part of grieving
• Time and distance don't matter when you truly love someone

I'll resume recording regular episodes when my heart has had time to heal. Thank you for your grace and for being part of this journey.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction: Personal Loss Update
• 1:27 My Relationship With My Aunt
• 3:02 Working Through The Stages of Grief
• 5:03 Unable to Attend the Funeral
• 8:21 Finding Meaning Through Sharing
• 10:56 Closing Thoughts on Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hi, my name is Donna Gaudette and this is Healing our Kindred Spirits podcast. This is not a regular episode, but something I wanted to just jump on and do a little mini episode because something that I'm going through right now that other people may be experiencing and I just felt like I needed to share in order to be able to also help myself heal. And maybe that might sound strange, but if I'm going through this, other people may as well. And for the month of March, for the podcast episodes, we focused on grief. And last Friday, when I released my episode, an hour afterwards I received a phone call that my aunt, who I was very close to, who lives out in Ohio, had passed away. And of course you have shock and denial and you know we have all those stages of grief and, as I talked about, they're not linear. But I just felt that I thought that I was so prepared in my mindset for grief, or dealing with grief, because of everything that I've been through and everything that I talked about in the episodes, of everything that I've been through and everything that I talked about in the episodes. But again, when it hits home to you, you apply that of what you know because you know it to be true, but when you're experiencing it the emotions are just so high and they're so raw that it's really hard to think through and it's really hard to assimilate them to what you have going on. And I was fortunate in the fact that I told my aunt every chance that I got and we spoke at least once a week, texted a couple times a week. I always let her know how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.

Speaker 1: 1:55

She was a big, big support when my mom passed. I was 42 when my mom passed. She was a big support when my mom passed and when my dad was ill she would just show up on my doorstep from Ohio and just give me a hug because she felt like I needed it. She knew what I needed without me asking and that's how intuitive she was with being in tune with people that she loved and cared about. She loved her family near and far, people that she loved and cared about. She loved her family near and far. She was just a devoted mom, wife, grandmother, great-grandmother, aunt, cousin. She was loved by so many and having her in my life it's not that she replaced my mom, but because she was so much like my mom, the personality I just felt, so connected to her, and her passing has just been.

Speaker 1: 2:49

It rattled me to places that I didn't think I would go. And of course we know about the five stages of grief anger, denial, bargain and depression, acceptance and we know those are not linear. But my immediate thought was, of course, denial, because I just spoke with her the week before and even though in theory I know she's no longer suffering and I feel in my heart she was ready, ready to move on to that next level in spirit, it's just still hard, maybe in a selfish way, to know that she was the first person I called when I was something good or something bad to share or I was going through something. She was the first person that I called and she always knew what to say and in turn, many times when she would read what I wrote, or if I wrote, you know she'd read my blog, she would read you know something that I wrote on social and she would always tell me you have such a way with words that it helps people feel better.

Speaker 1: 3:49

Everything that I'm going through right now, I could just journal what I'm feeling, but when I sat down at the keyboard to start writing, the tears would just start and I felt like it wasn't enough. Just pouring out my heart just wasn't enough. So I wanted to jump on to just do a quick episode, because many of you may be feeling lost over the immediate loss of a loved one, and I had opportunities to tell my aunt many times how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. So there was nothing left unsaid. So I don't have that feeling. I, like many of you who've lost someone, we always go to that default. But I didn't say goodbye. Have you ever done that? I know I've been doing that for the last several days. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I realized because she had been ill for a while, we had a long goodbye Because that grief, especially for her family, started many years ago, or many months ago, depending on how you look at it. And so, even though I didn't get to say the words goodbye to her, in her mind she knew that we'd see each other again, and I know that to be true.

Speaker 1: 5:05

But when she passed my immediate, of course, denial and then we went to bargaining because I wanted to get out to Ohio for the funeral and I have, and my husband and I both have many complex medical conditions that it makes it difficult for us to travel, especially by plane or being in a car for a period of time. My husband can't drive for more than 20, 25 minutes at a time, same thing with sitting in a car for myself. And Ohio is about 600 miles, so you're looking about 9 to 10 hours, maybe a little longer, depending on traffic. And in my mind, mind, I kept trying to find a way to make it happen. I kept trying to fit this square peg into a round hole and I just, I just couldn't make it work.

Speaker 1: 5:48

And I knew my aunt had told me many times she said when she passed she didn't want anyone traveling to Ohio for the funeral, because she knows how difficult that trip can be, especially when you have health challenges, and so I knew she'd be okay with me not being there. But because she had been there for me for so long, for so often, for so many things, I wanted to be there for her family, to support them and what they were going through. And I felt so disappointed and so even angry that I could not do that. And even though I was told it's okay, we understand, in my mind I felt like I was letting her down, letting down her family, and I know that's not true, that's my own thinking. But if you have someone in your life that you love, tell them, tell them how much they mean to you. Don't wait till it's too late. You may think they're perfect health, and they may be, but we don't know one minute to the next how that's going to be. Like I said, I was fortunate to tell my aunt how much she meant to me, and I don't have any unfinished business with that but I just felt like I needed to see her one more time, to tell her in person. And of course, that opportunity can't happen. And I've had conversations with her in my mind and I know she's in spirit and I know she's no longer tethered by a body that defied her. That defied her.

Speaker 1: 7:25

My aunt always was always so supportive of when I wrote something. She just always told me you have a way to help other people heal. And so, even though I can't do anything to change the circumstances of being there for her family or doing anything else, I started journaling, I started writing out and I let everything pour out and I said I feel like I need to do more. And I know, with the sixth stage of grief, it's finding meaning in the grief. So what if this finding meaning is just sharing what I'm going through and what many, many people are going through in real time, to let you know that it's okay to feel how you feel and even when that anger comes up, you're not angry at that person, but you may be angry at a situation that is out of your control. You have to find a way to be okay with it.

Speaker 1: 8:21

And so, because my aunt was just so, she was just so forgiving, she was just so loving, and I'm going to miss her dearly and I just wanted to jump on to let you know, to remind you we all have limited time on this earth and if you can spend time with people that you care about, you really should embrace that, even if it's picking up the phone, mending fences, settling an argument, forgiving something that maybe you thought was unforgivable, believe me, when they're gone, you will think about it. And, like I said, I have nothing left unsaid with my aunt. It's just my own thing that I wanted to be there for her family, and even though I can do it at a distance, it's just. I just wanted to give them all a great big hug. And even though I know the coming days will bring some healing and it will bring the acceptance, it won't stop the grief, because grief is just love, with nowhere to go. And when we lose someone who meant so much to us, we're going to replay those movies in our head.

Speaker 1: 9:39

And I did the same thing. I was looking at photos, old videos, just things that remind, and of course I cried. And you would wonder why would you watch this or look at this if it's going to make you cry? Because crying is part of the healing process. Healing is part of grieving and even though I know I need to take this pain and turn it into purpose I don't know yet what that purpose is, but I do know that I will do anything that I can to help other people in her memory, in her honor.

Speaker 1: 10:13

I'm not crafty like she was. She was very crafty that I can't make a promise for I know I can't live up to that one, but if you are grieving, if you've lost someone yesterday, last year, 10 years ago, grief is okay. It's part of the healing process, and maybe this is just a recorded version of what I was writing in my journal and maybe sharing it with someone who is going through grief over losing someone recently. Know that it's okay and it will be okay. It may not feel like it right now because let me tell you, I miss my aunt like crazy, even though it's been a few years since I've seen her. We've done video chat, we've done texting calling every week, video chat, we've done texting calling every week.

Speaker 1: 11:06

It's just time and distance doesn't know any bounds when you are family or when you love someone, and I only hope that her family continues her legacy of just being there for each other, of being kind to themselves and being kind to each other, because that's what she would want and that's the best legacy that you can give someone is just to remember how good they were and how welcoming they were and how other people looked at them. So if you're grieving and I know I'm grieving and I don't we don't know how long we'll grieve, for I think we grieve forever. But just know that having the having to say the words goodbye doesn't mean it has to happen at that moment or before. You can say goodbye anytime, and I did that a little while ago, knowing they were at the service and knowing what was happening and just feeling that grief from them, I felt so overwhelmed and overcome by it. And I've spoken with a couple of my cousins the last couple of days and they are doing well, considering what they've been through. But I know the real healing will start tomorrow and they know that I'm here if there's anything that I can do to help support them on their journey, because this is a club that nobody wants to be a member of, but unfortunately we all are at some point. So just know, just know, love the people in your life, tell them you love them, do something in their memory that will bring light to their name, to their life, to their passing, and whatever that is or whatever that means, find purpose in your loss, because when you do, I know it will bring healing and I know my heart will heal, just like my family's will.

Speaker 1: 13:09

Thank you for indulging me for this little mini episode. I just felt like the journaling just wasn't enough, that I just needed to reach out and share. That grief doesn't just happen to certain people, it happens to all of us and when I am doing better I will resume. I will resume recording and releasing episodes, but until then, my heart just needs to heal right now, and when I'm ready I will resume recording and releasing episodes. But until then, my heart just needs to heal right now, and when I'm ready I will be back. Thank you for letting me be a part of Journey. Thank you for the grace, thank you just for being you. God bless.