A Journey Through Grief: Love, Loss, and Healing

Grief cuts through the soul in ways that words struggle to capture. It's not just sadness—it's love with nowhere to go, manifesting uniquely through our most cherished relationships. Whether you're mourning a spouse, parent, or sibling, this episode creates space for your experience while exploring how different types of grief shape our healing journeys.

I share deeply personal stories about losing both my parents and two young brothers, revealing how these losses continue to influence who I am today. My father's five-year cancer journey taught me profound lessons about living fully despite terminal illness. "I am not dying from cancer, I am living with cancer," he would say—words that transformed my understanding of resilience. Through raw vulnerability, I describe the unexpected moments of connection that continue long after physical presence ends, like finding a four-leaf clover at exactly the right moment.

The episode gently navigates the complicated emotions of grief—from the anticipated sorrow when someone faces long illness to the acute pain of sudden loss. We explore how family dynamics often shift when parents pass, sometimes creating rifts between siblings who process grief differently. Most importantly, this conversation validates whatever you're feeling, whether it's sadness, anger, numbness, or even moments of unexpected joy.

Grief isn't something we "get over"—it's an ongoing relationship with loss that changes over time. We don't move on; we move forward, carrying our loved ones with us in new ways. If you're struggling to make sense of your grief or supporting someone through theirs, this episode offers compassion, understanding and practical guidance for honoring both the pain and the love that makes grief possible in the first place.

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Chapters

• 0:30 Welcome to Healing Our Kindred Spirits
• 3:20 Understanding Different Types of Grief
• 9:30 Losing a Spouse or Partner
• 15:16 My Father's Cancer Journey
• 22:41 The Loss of My Brothers
• 31:13 Family Rifts After Loss
• 35:20 The Emotions and Cycles of Grief
• 38:11 Signs from Beyond and Finding Peace
• 45:20 Closing Thoughts on the Grief Journey

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are for informational and entertainment purposes only and do not constitute professional advice. Listener, discretion is advised and we encourage you to seek appropriate guidance for your individual circumstances. The hosts and guests are sharing personal experiences and perspectives which may not reflect those of our listeners. Thank you for joining us on this journey. May not reflect those of our listeners. Thank you for joining us on this journey.

Speaker 1: 0:30

Welcome to Healing Our Kindred Spirits, a space where we explore the profound experiences that shape us and the resilience that carries us forward. I am Donna Gaudet, and today we're delving into one of life's most universal yet deeply personal experiences grief, and specifically experiences. Grief and specifically grief over the loss of losing a spouse, a partner, a parent, a sibling, anyone that's very close to you. So let's get started. Losing a loved one whether a spouse, partner, parent, sibling changes us in ways we may not expect. The pain can feel overwhelming, the world unfamiliar and the path forward so uncertain. But grief is not just sadness. It's love that no longer has a physical place to go, and it manifests in ways that are as unique as our relationships. And today we're going to talk about the different types of grief and the emotions that accompany loss and how we begin to navigate this very difficult journey, especially difficult for many people. We'll also touch on the well-known stages of grief not a roadmap, but as a way to recognize what we may be experiencing. So if you or someone you love is grieving, know this you are not alone and your grief is valid. So grief is a deeply personal and, while losing any loved one is heartbreaking, the way we experience grief for a spouse or partner versus a parent or sibling is often shaped by the unique roles that they play in our lives, and today I will share my some of my personal experiences with losing my parents and losing two of my siblings, and while my experience may be different than yours, it's not to say it's worse or even more valid. I'm not here to take part of the grief Olympics, because each one of us has our own story, and in honoring our own story, we can help ourselves through the grief process, no matter how long it's been, as well as maybe leave something behind for someone else who may be grieving and can find some comfort in what we share. After all, we are all kindred spirits, and I would like to start with some of the different types of grief that people may experience. So grief is not just one feeling, it's a storm, a giant, unpredictable storm of emotions that can change from one moment to the next. There's no right way to grieve, but understanding the different types of grief can sometimes help us make sense of what we're feeling.

Speaker 1: 3:04

I want to talk about the feeling I want to talk about. The first one I want to talk about is anticipatory grief, and that's the grief that begins before a loved one passes, often in cases of long term illness. In it can come with a mixture of sorrow, fear, guilt or even for mourning someone who's still here. Maybe they haven't passed yet, but you're mourning their loss already. That's anticipatory grief and many people, if you've been a caregiver for someone who's been sick for a long time, you know what's coming, but you're never fully prepared. But your grieving process starts way before the actual event happens, and my mom had been living with chronic illnesses for about 15 years before she passed and even though we knew her life would be cut short based on what she was going through, and we anticipated it. You can't schedule grief. We can prepare all we want to know what we're going to lose someone, that we're going to lose them. But no matter how much you prepare, it still hurts and it cuts through your soul. And it's the same thing with knowing someone is going to pass from a terminal illness. You know it's coming, but you don't know when and you don't know how difficult it's going to be for that person or for the family and caregivers, and you don't know how you're going to get from point A to point D.

Speaker 1: 4:23

And my dad passed away from cancer in 2010. And even though, by statistics, he should not have lived more than several months, based on the progression of his cancer, we were able to have him for almost five years, and I don't mean five years of him being really terribly sick. If anyone were to look at him, you wouldn't even think he was sick, but it wasn't until at him, you wouldn't even think he was sick, but it wasn't until the last year that it really started to take its toll, and I can attest that it's a credit, that it's his ability. It was his ability to see life through the lens of grace and gratitude. His attitude was just so phenomenal and he chose to look at it through grace and gratitude instead of doom and gloom, and we'll talk about that more a little later.

Speaker 1: 5:10

We also have acute grief, which is the raw, all-consuming grief that follows immediately after a loss. It can bring shock, disbelief, aching sadness. Sometimes it feels like it'll never end, because sometimes it feels you're like this in this imprison of eternity, of eternal pain. And some people even experience complicated, complicated grief and that lingers and intensifies over time and it can make it hard to function in daily life. And this is especially common when the relationship was deeply intertwined with our own identity, like the loss of a spouse, a parent who maybe was our primary support system, and I spoke about this in my last episode and maybe touched on it in a few episodes as well.

Speaker 1: 5:56

When you have complicated grief, it can sometimes be difficult to move forward. It's not that you're denying the process, it's just that there's a part of you that just will not allow the next chapter to come forward. Does this resonate with you? Have you ever had this happen? It happens to more people than you realize. And then there's disenfranchised grief, and that's the kind of grief that isn't always acknowledged by society. This can happen when we lose an ex-partner, a close friend, even a pet, and others don't fully recognize our pain. And we are going to be doing an episode on the loss of a pet in grief and I have a really wonderful guest that's going to come on the episode for that, so I'm looking forward to having her on.

Speaker 1: 6:43

But whatever form your grief takes, it is real, it's valid and it deserves space to be acknowledged. And I have not experienced the loss of a spouse or partner and, to be honest, that terrifies me To know that we, that at some point one of us, will live without each other. That's it takes my breath away. And those who have lost a spouse or a partner, my heart goes out to you because I only know through experiences of friends and family who have lost a spouse or partner how devastating it is and I would never assume to know what that feels like. I would never assume to know what that feels like. So I don't know your pain, but I can only imagine the space that you're in and I have witnesses from other people who have lost someone, either a spouse or a partner, just like I watched my dad grieve the loss of my mom.

Speaker 1: 7:39

He did it in his own way and it's hard, it's not easy, it's not meant to be easy, because where there was great love, there was great grief and when I knew I was going to be doing an episode on this topic, I did reach out on our Facebook group page with friends asking if anyone wanted to share their experiences. And I understand that sharing something so deeply and so personal is pushing the bounds of vulnerability and I wasn't expecting to get a lot of hands up in the air, but I do know from conversations that I've had with friends who have lost a significant other what they go through, as well as seeing people when I was an intuitive advisor when we talked about grief and the loss of someone close to them. So, even though I did not have anyone reach out, I knew those that wanted to but really could not allow themselves to be that vulnerable, and that's okay. So instead I will use the experiences that I've seen and witnesses to the grief of the loss of a partner, and I'm going to add in my own personal experiences with grief over losing both of my parents and losing two of my siblings at a very young age, and I'm going to do my best to get through it all without falling apart. And if you've listened to other episodes, you know what I'm talking about, something that's so personal and so emotional to me. I lay it all on the line, like I said in my first episode, that I believed in being authentic and showing my vulnerability, and if that means getting emotional or crying, that's just who I am. I don't shy away from showing the emotions, the tears, when I am bearing something so personal and authentic. So I will not edit out the feelings and emotions that we feel when we lose someone we love, because that would be doing a disservice to you and to this podcast. So when we lose a spouse or a partner, it can feel like losing a part of ourselves. This is the person we built a life with, the one we turn to for comfort, support and companionship and, from what I have been told from a few friends who have went through this, their absence can create a profound void in our daily life and existence. There's empty spaces at the dinner table, the silence where laughter used to be a bed that suddenly feels too big. The grief can be isolating. It's like a piece of our identity has been stripped away, leaving us to navigate a world that now seems so familiar.

Speaker 1: 10:12

I watched my dad navigate the loss of my mom and, even though we knew she was ill for a long time. My mom was a fighter and my dad was not a big talker or a big communicator. He was more of the quiet, silent type. But I could relate to this. My dad did not ask for any help after my mom passed, not even when cleaning out her belongings. I showed up one day at the apartment and he had all her things out and he was either donating or tossing away and I have to say, in that moment I was stunned and I was speechless and, if I'm being honest, maybe a little angry, because I thought we could do this together. But he never reached out for help, not not in that way. At that moment I felt that I should have offered more frequent, offered more frequently to help him. But I knew my dad was not one to reach out. It took him a lot to reach out if he needed something and it took me a long time to realize that he needed to do this on his own, in his own way, and even though it may not have been the way that I wanted to do it or would have wanted it done. This was his own process and I had to respect and honor that for him. And we did ask him several times to move in with us, but he was still working full-time and he wanted to maintain living in the apartment.

Speaker 1: 11:35

And I know many men have a difficult time living on their own after losing their partner because they're so used to their spouse or partner taking on all of the financial planning, the budgeting, the meal planning, the cooking, cleaning and everything. But from the time I was a young girl, my dad always shared all of those responsibilities with my mom. He would cook, keep us kids occupied, do things around the house and whatever mom needed him to do. My dad was a hands-on husband and a hands-on dad him to do. My dad was a hands-on husband and a hands-on dad. He did not do any housework though, because mom was so particular with OCD and cleaning that no one was allowed to clean the house except her, because it was never cleaned to her specifications. I laugh at that now because I understand where the OCD comes from now, but as a child we just thought that she was just over the top with cleaning and it's funny how you realize things as an adult that you didn't realize as a child. It puts a whole new perspective. It's like when you go to the eye doctors and he puts that lens in front of your eye to read the line. It's blurry. But then he puts another one and it's clear and that's the only way I can explain it as a child. It's kind of blurry as to why is this person acting this way. But when you're older and you see it from a different viewpoint, you can understand things a little bit easier.

Speaker 1: 12:53

My dad didn't want to give up his independence and we had to let him make that choice on his own. It wasn't until he started to get sick in 2004 that he did finally ask for help, and I know it took a lot for him too. So when he did ask, we took that seriously. We knew something was definitely wrong and I talked with my dad every day and we had him over a few times a week for dinner. But dad would use humor to deflect how he was really, how he was really feeling. I know many people in my life who use humor to deflect their emotions, my husband included, and maybe you have someone in your life like that, who uses humor to deflect how they really feel. But like an onion, you can peel things back and you can get to the root of things. But you need to be patient and I couldn't fault him for not wanting to talk about it, because that's the process that he needed to go through and we needed to be respectful of that. But all we could do was be there when he was ready. So my dad, in his infinite wisdom, never believed in going to the doctors or taking medicine for anything.

Speaker 1: 14:01

And this man worked most of his life I would say all of his life without missing any days of work, and my dad worked a very physically demanding job. He worked in textile mills and in foundries his entire life and dad never complained about anything, and a lot of that is because of his upbringing, because his childhood was difficult. He came from a family of 16 kids and my dad spent time in children's orphanages and foster homes, like most of his family, and he talked about this with me Occasionally. He wasn't one to talk about it as a problem, but in matter of fact, you know, because he would tell us that no matter how tight things were, how bad things were, he was always so grateful because he had so much less as a kid, and it kind of makes you look at things in a different perspective as well. My dad was very open with how his family was and he wasn't ashamed of it. But he chose to become better because of it and, where most people would feel jaded by what they went through, my dad was always grateful for what he did have in life and I never saw that man complain. I never saw him angry to the point of losing his temper.

Speaker 1: 15:16

So when my dad was diagnosed with advanced stage prostate cancer in 2004, it was a wake-up call for him. He was in new territory and I know he needed to navigate that new information on his own and I had to give him time to process that he was living in a third floor apartment and he was just basically existing and not really living. We had asked again for him to come live with us and this time he finally said yes, and I want to say that if you ever, ever, ever get the chance to know your parent as an adult, please embrace that opportunity. The dad I knew as a young girl was much different than the dad I got to know as an adult. I didn't get to do many mother-daughter things with my mom because she was so sick for so long, and we didn't get to go out to lunch or go shopping or do anything that most mothers and daughters do, and I will always have that regret. We may not have had the best relationship growing up because of a lot of different things, but I loved my mom and I know she loved me. But with my dad I had this chance that I didn't get. With my mom, I had a chance to create memories for however long we had him in our lives and my dad.

Speaker 1: 16:30

Even though he was diagnosed with this devastating disease, he chose to approach it as a day by day thing. His mindset was phenomenal. His mindset was just so amazing for someone of that age and someone who just was just so quiet, and my dad and I spent a lot of time together and I took him to every appointment, every test procedure that he went through, and when I couldn't, someone else in the family was able to take him. When he was going through chemotherapy, we would sit there and he would joke with the nurses and I would tell him if you behave, we'll go out for ice cream, just like you would tell a little child Not that he was bad, but he loved to tease. So on the way home we always stopped for ice cream and my dad and I would have the most amazing, profound conversations about anything and about nothing.

Speaker 1: 17:22

And it was during this time that I realized I was more like my dad than I thought. I remember just sitting outside on the porch swing with him, just listening to the birds singing in, just the sway of the swing back and forth, and it was such a comfortable silence. I would often find him outside just sitting there in the chair and he'd just be looking up at the sky and I would ask him, dad, what are you looking at? And he'd say I'm just being part of what's going on around me. And I never got it. I never got it until after he passed and I was home alone one day and I put a chair in the middle of the yard with the clear blue sky up above nothing, nothing in its way. I sat there and I closed my eyes, sat back, looked at the sky, closed my eyes and I just listened to what was going on around me.

Speaker 1: 18:17

And you know, even though he was no longer there, I felt him there because of those little lessons that he taught me along the way of his journey, helped me with my grief on my journey, and my dad had an eighth grade education, but he was wise. Beyond any advanced college degree he could have, he had something that money could not buy and that was compassion and understanding for all humankind and for animals. So one day, when we were sitting, when I sat, one day and we were talking and I asked him Dad, how do you live with knowing you have this terrible disease inside of you and not be so angry about it, and how can you just go on with your day? And you know what he said to me. He didn't miss a beat. He said, donna, I am not dying from cancer, I am living with cancer. That was so profound for me, I just got choked up and I couldn't say anything else. And I know that having our dad live with us was such a gift.

Speaker 1: 19:23

And when I decided to go back to school, it was right when he was diagnosed with cancer and I was going to cancel my enrollment and he was adamant that I didn't change anything in my life. So going back to school at 42 years old, moving in, moving my dad in with us was even though he was very independent and still working full time for so many years and just being his caregiver as well as taking care of my family. All of it was very challenging, working full time, but my dad did everything he could to help out and to make this new year one reality for me, as easy as possible and he did. He was just absolutely amazing and that was my reason to keep going. On days that got tough I said if he can go through the days of what he's going through inside, I can go back to school this night tired. I can go to work tired. I can do anything, because my dad gave me the courage to be able to face each day when I didn't think that I could. And I have wonderful memories of those five years, as well as not so good memories of what he had to go through. But what he did endure, he did so with so much grace and so much gratitude and a resilience that I have never seen in my life and that I absolutely envy, and he was an inspiration to all of us. Even to this day, I still hear his words in my mind and I feel his love and compassion in my heart.

Speaker 1: 20:45

My dad was not big on words or expressing things, but he did have a sense of humor that I got to know as an adult and we got to become very close. We'd always been close, but we got to become not just daughter and dad, we got to become friends, and that still feels in my heart, so much so if you have the opportunity to get to know your parents as an adult, please do. You may have had a difficult childhood or a relationship or something that may or may not be able to be forgiven or overcome, and, of course, this is your own thing and no one has the right to tell you to forget about something that maybe was so painful. But if you are able to move forward and have that relationship with your parent before it's too late, I tell you it will be one of the most beautiful, beautiful gifts that you will ever have or experience. I have more memories of my dad from the almost five years he lived with us than I do. For most of my life as a child and as awful as cancer was, the gift of having my dad be a part of my life for those five years was a gift that I will never forget and one that I will never take for granted. And today is March 20th and tomorrow, march 21st, 2025, it will make 15 years that my dad is gone and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him or miss him or wish he was still here.

Speaker 1: 22:24

We all know that the process of life is going to bring the end of life and that is the full circle and cycle of life, and we know that in theory we get that. But when we lose someone we love, it's the people who are left behind that are grieving that person that was here, the things we used to do with them, the memories we had. We're trying to fill that void that our loved one left and that brings us so much grief. But it does not last forever. Grief does ebb and flow, but it does get a little bit better, because where there was great love there is even greater grief.

Speaker 1: 23:03

Losing a parent is often a grief of foundation. They are our first caregivers, our guides, the ones who shape us so much of who we are, even when we're adults. Their loss can make us feel untethered, as if the safety net beneath us has disappeared. And there's also the weight of unfinished conversations or lessons we still wanted to learn or words that are left unsaid. I know when my mom passed I still had my dad, but I missed her so terribly Every day. I would call her every morning. I would call her to see how she was doing, and I still found myself having something that I wanted to share with her or talk to her about. And I found myself still picking up that phone to call her. And I still did that, even 10 to 15 years after she had passed. I found myself just wanting to pick up the phone to talk to my mom, because I think you never outgrow needing your parent.

Speaker 1: 23:57

And after my dad passed, it felt like I was an orphan and I don't know if you can relate to this. If you've lost both parents, all of a sudden you feel so lost as if you're in this fog and those anchors are not there any longer the ones who kept the family together. They're not there any longer, and so you're left to your own devices to try to keep things going as a family, and that can be very challenging. But to this day I still feel like an orphan, and when I do see my brothers I feel happy and excited because they're a part of my parents. So when I do get the opportunity to see them not as often as I would like, because they live in different states when I do get the opportunity to see them. It's like visiting with my parents and that gives me a lot of joy and it makes my heart full. It's the same thing at holiday time. My dad has a brother that lives locally and every, all the holidays I invite him to come and have dinner with us. And having him here because he looks so much like my dad, it's actually very comforting. He sounds like my dad, his mannerisms are like my dad. It's actually very comforting in a way to have him here, because sometimes it's like having dinner with my dad and I know people may think that's odd, but it does. It does lessen the the sadness a little bit by having someone who's connected to my dad so much here. So losing both parents it's a different type of grief than losing one and then the other, but when they're both gone it can be very challenging. It is very challenging and it is only something that you will know how to get through, because we never get over it, but we learn to get through the immense grief.

Speaker 1: 25:54

I want to talk about grieving the loss of a sibling. Grieving a sibling carries its own kind of sorrow. Siblings share our history in a way that no one else does. They are our earliest playmates, our witnesses to childhood and often our partners in navigating family dynamics. Their loss can feel like losing a keeper of shared memories, someone who truly understands where we came from. But each grief, each kind of grief, is different because each relationship holds a unique space in our hearts. But at its core, grief is love, searching for the presence that once was. It's the ache of absence. No matter who we've lost, and whether you lost an adult sibling or a younger sibling, the lost is just as great.

Speaker 1: 26:41

I know in prior episodes I touched on the passing of losing my two brothers, and I lost two of my brothers on January 16, 1978. One brother was a few days short of his 12th birthday and my other brother was 10, 10 years old, and to me they both died as heroes. They were sliding at the local park with friends and family, as the day was off from school, it was Martin Luther King Day, and they did have permission from mom and dad to go to the park, which they often did almost every day. Back in those days it was safe to go to a park, but that day their Boy Scout training came to play. When two cousins accidentally fell into the river. It was winter time and they were sliding in the park and the two of the cousins lost their footing and they fell backwards into the river and my brother's instinct kicked in to help save them. Sadly, they were swept away by the river and they lost their lives. Our cousins were able to be rescued, thank God, and that is one of the silver linings of the story. But I also know that these two cousins suffered most of their lives with survivor's guilt. It was not their fault, it would never be their fault. It was just a terrible accident. No one ever or will ever ever blame them. My older brother was found by a dive team a few days later, but unfortunately my youngest brother was never found.

Speaker 1: 28:11

And it's still even so hot to talk about after all these years, without feeling as if it just happened yesterday, without feeling as if it just happened yesterday. And I can tell you that witnessing my parents go through the loss of not one child but two was so heartbreaking and heart-wrenching to bear witness and that is something I'm going to say for another episode when we talk about the loss of a child but it was just something that stays with you forever. I was the oldest of six children and I had five younger brothers. I was the only girl I know. I touched on this in a previous episode but losing my two brothers riddled me with guilt for many years, because I was babysitting them and, even though they had permission to go to the park, I still felt responsible and I had a premonition the night before and begged them not to go to the park that day. So, yeah, I lived with that kind of guilt for many, many years, and it was only through many years of intense therapy that I was able to accept and understand the fact that I had no control over what was happening that day, any more than I could control the weather. But watching my parents grieve is just something that I will never forget Never forget. So having lost not only one sibling but two, and putting that guilt on yourself, made me who I am today, and I say that in the way that I have always been so fearful of losing people in my life. I tend to be overprotective and worry about everyone and everything. You've heard of helicopter parents. Well, I was a whole darn fleet of them, with my younger brothers and my own children and grandchildren.

Speaker 1: 30:02

Grief shapes you in ways that not everyone understands and I have known some people through the work that I have done as a spiritual intuitive advisor that grief can make people do really odd things. When we are grieving, we are not ourselves. So what happens when a parent or both parents pass and there becomes this rift in the family with your remaining siblings I cannot tell you how often I heard this when I was a spiritual advisor you have close families that end up tearing each other apart because in their own grief they believe theirs is more valid or they have more reasons to feel more than you do. Or there is often pain or blame, there's denial and there is plenty of anger to go around, there's finger pointing, there's complaints, there's everything, because everyone is hurting in their own way and the grief is just so immense. And who is right? The answer to that one is no one. Each one will feel valid in how they feel and will be blind to the fact that what they feel may not be the truth. There's no changing that, because their reality may be different from yours. And can fractured families find their way back to each other, or does that loss sometimes create divides too deep to mend? Both can be true. I know many families that have been through this and sometimes the rift can be healed and in other times relationships are just totally destroyed.

Speaker 1: 31:34

It's also important to know that. It's imperative, important and imperative to know that if you are a parent, I want you to talk to your children about your final wishes. No one wants to have that discussion, I get it, but it's the mature and the right thing to do. No one likes to talk about death. You talk to your kids about it. You bring it up. They roll their eyes oh, mom, dad, you're not going anywhere, you're too young, but we don't know. Don't leave the details to your children to figure out and hammer over or fight about. Detail everything out in writing and have that conversation with all of them present to what you want for your final wishes. So there is no rifts, no disagreements, no finger pointing when that time comes. Can you do that for me, do that for your children, do that for yourself, do that to save your children from having to go through devastating arguments and tips and everything else. You don't want that for them, because they're going to need each other when you're not here anymore and if you don't know where to start, there is a wonderful booklet called Five Wishes, that you can get through most booksellers as well as online retailers. It is a very simple but detailed booklet writing out your wishes as you want them to be carried out. When my dad entered hospice, we did hospice at home. They gave this booklet and we filled it out together and I tell you it gave both of us a peace of mind, knowing what he wanted and knowing what he wanted done, and it was all out in writing and that was very helpful. So if you don't know how to have that conversation, look for ways that can start that conversation, and that booklet, five Wishes, has all the places in there that you can write your final wishes, everything that you can imagine. It is very simple, very concise, and I do recommend that you take a look at that.

Speaker 1: 33:26

And when we think of grief, we often think of sadness, but grief is so much more, isn't it? There's anger anger at the world, the circumstance, even at the person we lost for leaving us. How can we be mad at a person because they died? We can be. Maybe they left us with a mountain of debt, maybe they left us with no insurance policy. Maybe they left with no instructions as to what to do with their belongings and then we have guilt of the what ifs, the should haves. All of that replays in our minds and there's numbness when it feels impossible to feel anything at all and sometimes you feel all three within the timeframe of just a few minutes and that can be really overwhelming.

Speaker 1: 34:08

But some people can also experience relief, especially after a long illness or a complicated relationship, and that can bring its own kind of guilt. Others can feel loneliness, a deep aching or a sense of emptiness, even in a room full of people. When my mom passed at 58, she had been struggling for a long time and it was hard to see her struggle, but also she tried so hard to stay independent. My mom my mom was one tough cookie and she was resilient and determined and some may have said stubborn, but I prefer to use the was resilient and determined and some may have said stubborn, but I prefer to use the word resilient and determined and she was one of the strongest people that I knew. When she passed and we were gathered in the living room that evening, I had a sense of relief, but then I had immediate sense of guilt and I shared that with my brothers and I was relieved that she was no longer trapped in a body that no longer worked for her and she wasn't suffering. But I felt guilty for feeling that relief. Has that ever happened to you?

Speaker 1: 35:08

Because grief can also bring not only the type of relief, but it can also bring you little moments of joy. Not great, not joy that they pass, but you may suddenly laugh at a memory, hear their voice in your head, re-listen to a phone message, a voicemail, or feel their presence in small everyday things, and that too is part of healing. So, yes, joy can be a part of grief. Because, believe me, you will be looking for voice message from them, you will be looking for text messages from them, you'll be looking for pictures of them, you will be looking for pieces of them everywhere when they pass, because you will miss them Like you can't believe. You will miss them and there's nothing that will ever bring them back. You will miss them and there's nothing that will ever bring them back, but you will find comfort in little things that bring you joy.

Speaker 1: 36:01

And people often say, well, you move on. But that's not really how grief works. We don't move on, we move forward. We carry our loved ones with us in different ways, because grief is not something we can take a pill and be done with our process. It's not the flu. The grief isn't grief. Experiencing grief is not like the flu. We don't just take something and get over it, or in seven to 10 days you'll feel better. It can last a few days or it can be a lifetime healing journey. It's not the same for everyone. It's just. It ebbs and flows, it comes in cycles, and we've always referenced the stages of grief as stages. But I read somewhere that instead of calling the stages of grief stages, they should be called cycles, because a stage has an ending but grief doesn't. So how can you honor your healing process? It's different for everyone, but some helpful ideas and things that have worked for me, for everyone, but some helpful ideas and things that have worked for me.

Speaker 1: 37:00

I lost a lot of people in my life. The very first person that I lost was my grandmother, and she was such an integral part of my life that her passing and her loss devastated me in more ways than I can ever imagine. So, having that, you want to find ways, ways to keep them alive with anyone, and so talk about them, share the stories, say their name, keep their memory alive. Believe me, they miss you as much as you miss them. Invite them into your day, still talk to them. Ask them for signs. I'm saying ask for signs and just wait for it to happen. They'll give a sign when they're ready. And if you can do this, this is what my dad and I did. We talked about life and death many times and we talked about signs.

Speaker 1: 37:46

My dad was a huge believer in anything that was holistic, metaphysical, anything. My dad was such a big open heart and open mind believer and we had amazing conversations and we were sitting outside on the swing one day and I said Dad, what sign are you going to give me? He goes, you'll know when you see it. I said, no, you have to tell me he goes. No, no, you're going to know, you're going to know that that's from me. You're going to know. I'm not going to tell you because you're going to be looking for it, but you will know, think about it. You will know that that is me.

Speaker 1: 38:18

And you know, for a whole year after he passed, I didn't get any signs from him. I didn't get anything from him. I didn't get any visits from him, nothing, not even in my dreams, and I thought, okay, well, he must be mad at me about something. Until he came to see me one day in my dreams, when I was at the Cape, and he put out his hand and he said you need to stop looking for me. I'm with you, I'm everywhere. Stop looking for me, it's okay.

Speaker 1: 38:47

I'm okay, and you may have heard this before, but people who have passed, when you see them in your dreams, they always look younger than what they were when they passed. My dad looked about 35 years old and he was just so at peace. And I went to ask him, dad, where's the sign? And he just disappeared and I said we're at the Cape that day and we were getting ready to leave and I went outside the room, which we were right on the ocean, and I walked over the grass to the water, said goodbye and you know, because that my spiritual connection was always at the ocean and I just felt so light after that dream of him and I just felt like I was ready to move forward. And I'm going to share these experiences with you because I just feel that this is the time when I walked back up to go back to the room my husband had asked me before I went down there he said do you want to stop at the metaphysical shop we stop at? There was this cute little shop at the Cape called Lavender Moon and we always stopped there on the way back and we always got something from there to memorialize our visit there. And I said no. I said I think I'm tired, I think we should just go home.

Speaker 1: 39:56

But I was walking up the steps and I crossed over the grass and all of a sudden I heard look down. And it's not that I was hearing voices I don't have any mental health illnesses but I heard this voice as loud and clear look down. And then all of a sudden, this beam of light just came and just pointed right to this one spot on the ground and I heard look down. And when I bent down it was shining on. There was lots of clover there, but there was this one clover.

Speaker 1: 40:26

I picked it up and it was a four-leaf clover and I looked at it and I knew that was my sign from dad when he was alive. He would always look in the yard for four leaf clovers. And about a month or two before he passed I'm sorry, a couple of months before he passed he was outside with my husband and he came in the house and he was yelling donna, donna, donna, come here quick. And I did. I thought something happened and he said I found it. He found aaf clover so we put it between the book to keep safe and he was just so excited to find a four-leaf clover. So when I found the four-leaf clover that day I knew that was the sign and I knew because my mom and dad's anniversary was St Patrick's Day. They got married on March 17th, so the shamrock of the four-leaf clover was very significant to them and so finding that four-leaf clover gave me validation of my visit with my dad and also knowing he was with me.

Speaker 1: 41:27

And when I went into the room my husband actually saw what I was doing and I told him and I showed him and he's like, oh my goodness. I said I want to stop at Lavender Moon. So we left and we stopped at Lavender Moon. It was a metaphysical shop on the Cape and I didn't know what I was looking for. I didn't know what was appealing to me and they always played metaphysical music in there. And all of a sudden I saw in the window this four leaf clover glass blown fouraf clover that had some kind of phosphorus in the glass. So when it absorbed the sunlight during the day, at night it glowed and I was drawn to it. And all of a sudden the music just stopped in the middle of what it was playing and my husband was right there with me and all of a sudden the song came on by Sarah McLachlan and the Arms of an Angel, and my dad loved, loved, loved that song.

Speaker 1: 42:19

My husband and I looked at each other and I just started crying and I was just so overcome that I forgot about the four leaf glass blown ornament in the window and I said I have to leave, I can't be here. And so we left and we went home and I said I have to leave, I can't be here. And so we left and we went home and I said I'll get it the next time we go up. And unfortunately, the next time we did go up, in a couple of months, the store was closed. They had closed the store so I never got to get it. But that was validation for me. Twice that day that my dad was with me and that was the signs that I knew he would be around. Was the shamrock or the four leaf clover. That was knowing that he was with me. And there's been many, many signs and incidences since then.

Speaker 1: 43:06

But I want to tell you that if you're missing your loved one, think about what was important to them, think about what brought them joy. When you're looking for signs from them. It could be a song that comes on the radio, it could be a smell, the scent of a perfume. A few weeks ago, I kept smelling my mom's perfume. We were in the kitchen, no one's around but us. I smelled my mom's perfume. Know that our loved ones are still around us. They may not be here physically, but you can still have a metaphysical relationship with them and a spiritual relationship with them, because they're just a thought away.

Speaker 1: 43:42

I'm sorry I got so emotional this episode, but grief is such a journey and it's so personal to everyone, and I appreciate you inviting me into your life to listen to this podcast, to be able to share what many kindred spirits go through. So, talking about them yes, talking about them and share their stories and create rich rituals maybe lighting a candle, visit a favorite place, even writing them a letter and seek support, whether through friends or group therapy, and still allow joy into your life. Laughing, loving, living doesn't mean you've forgotten them. It means you're honoring them by continuing to live fully. But, most importantly, give yourself grace. Some days will be harder than others, and that's okay. Grief is love with nowhere to go. It's messy, it's painful, it's deeply personal, but is also a testament to how deeply we have loved. So if you are grieving, know this you are not alone and your grief matters. And while the pain may never fully disappear, you will learn to carry it differently, with more love, more remembrance and, in time, more peace.

Speaker 1: 44:57

In our next episode, I will be speaking with Lisa, who will share her story about her devastating loss and her grief and how she continues to heal each day. So please look for our next episode next week. I invite you to share your own experiences and what has helped you, what you wish others understood. You can reach out to me at healingourkindredspirits at gmailcom or through our group page, healing Our Kindred Spirits Podcast on Facebook. You can also leave a message or comment on our podcast page and thank you for sharing the space with me. And if you found this episode helpful, please share it. Please. You know like it. Please follow anything that you can do to get notifications of future episodes, but just know that you are not alone and know that I care. So until next time, be gentle with yourself and with others, because you know what. We're all walking this journey together as kindred spirits.