Healing Our Kindred Spirits
Healing Our Kindred Spirits, a transformative journey of connection, healing, and personal growth. Together, we explore the depths and complexities of the human experience, while embracing the power of vulnerability as a catalyst for change. From navigating grief to celebrating the beauty of being human, we unravel the intricacies of our hearts and souls. Through authentic conversations and heartfelt reflections, we find empowerment, inspiration, and enlightenment in every exchange. Join our compassionate community, where every voice is heard, every journey is honored, and every step toward healing is celebrated. Let’s embark on this voyage of growth, healing, and profound connection. Together, we can Heal our Kindred Spirits.
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Healing Our Kindred Spirits
Navigating Holiday Grief: Honoring Loved Ones and Embracing Emotions
What if the holidays, instead of being a time of joy and togetherness, magnify the profound emptiness of missing loved ones? Join us on Healing Our Kindred Spirits as we tackle the reality of holiday grief, offering a compassionate space to explore the mixed emotions that arise during this time of year. Through personal anecdotes and shared stories, we shed light on how grief can stem from personal losses, estranged relationships, or even the weight of current hardships like health issues and financial strain. We acknowledge that it's perfectly normal to feel a complex blend of emotions and stress the importance of honoring grief instead of trying to fix it.
Holiday traditions can often become painful triggers, reminding us of who is missing from the table. We discuss practical strategies to navigate such emotional challenges, from setting healthy boundaries to creating new traditions that bring comfort. There is a special focus on the symbolic gestures that can be comforting, like leaving an empty chair for those who are no longer with us, and the emotional resonance of music. By recognizing the significance of grief's non-linear nature and the sixth stage—finding meaning—we guide listeners toward embracing authenticity in their grieving journey.
The holidays can feel isolating, but they also provide an opportunity to unite in shared sorrow and empathy. By creating a community through platforms like our Facebook group, Healing Our Kindred Spirits, we invite you to share your stories and traditions that honor loved ones. This episode encourages channeling emotions into meaningful acts of service and maintaining connections, reminding us all that it's possible to experience both sorrow and happiness simultaneously. Whether through professional support or the camaraderie of shared experiences, we aim to foster a space of comfort, grace, and understanding for anyone facing the holidays with a heavy heart.
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Welcome to Healing Our Kindred Spirits, the space where we connect through real stories and honest conversations. The holidays are often described as the most wonderful time of the year, but for many, they can also be the most difficult. Today, we're diving into the topic of holiday grief and how the season of joy can amplify your feelings of loss, loneliness or even longing for what was. Maybe you're missing a loved one who isn't here to celebrate. Maybe you're facing changes in family dynamics or struggling with the pressure to feel merry and bright. Whatever your experience, this episode is for you. We'll explore why grief feels so heavy during the holidays, share ways to navigate this time with authenticity and care, and remind you that it's okay to feel a mix of emotions, whether you're tuning in for comfort, connection or just to hear someone say you're not alone. I'm Donna Gaudet and we're glad you're here. Let's unpack this together. Welcome to Healing Our Kindred Spirits, the space where we connect through real stories and honest conversations. The holidays are often described as the most wonderful time of the year, but for many, they can also be most difficult. Today, we're diving into the topic of holiday grief and how the season of joy can amplify feelings of loss, loneliness or longing for what was. Maybe you're missing a loved one who isn't here to celebrate. Maybe you're facing changes in family dynamics or struggling even with the pressure to feel merry and bright. Many people are feeling that way, myself included. Whatever your experience, this episode is for you. We'll explore why grief feels so heavy during the holidays, share ways to navigate this time with authenticity and care, and remind you that it's okay to feel a mix of emotions, whether you're tuning in for comfort, for connection or just to hear someone say you're not alone. We're glad you're here. Let's unpack this together.
Speaker 1:So what is holiday grief? For some, the sounds, the sights, the signs of the season bring warmth, but for others, they highlight the spaces left behind. There are many forms of grief, but holiday grief refers to the heightened sense of loss and sadness that most of us feel or experience during the holiday season. This time of year where togetherness and family and celebration is empathized can trigger or intensify feelings of loneliness or sorrow for those grieving the loss of a loved one or navigating a strained relationship or dealing with life changes like divorce, financial strain, job loss or even illness. Traditions and memories associated with the holidays can bring both comfort and pain, making this period emotionally challenging for those coping with grief. For today's podcast.
Speaker 1:When I refer to grief, please adapt it to whatever you have going on in your life. It doesn't have to be the loss of a loved one, but a loss of something significant in your life. When we think about holiday grief, there's a couple of different kinds. There's personal loss, which could be a recent bereavement, or longstanding grief. Whether you lost a loved one or your loved one passed 10 minutes ago or 10 years ago, we still grieve their loss.
Speaker 1:What about estranged relationships, family dynamics and the grief of disconnection? If you come from a really close family and there's a disconnect in that family, you're going to feel it. How many of you are not speaking to family members for one reason or another? The holidays seem to intensify that disconnect even deeper. And what about situational losses? What about financial hardship, career changes or even health struggles? We all, at some point in life, have or will face these challenges. It's hard to feel joy and be merry when you have lost a job or you're having financial hardships or dealing with chronic health problems, or you're just facing daily pain. And then we have anticipatory grief just facing daily pain. And then we have anticipatory grief, navigating the impending loss of loved ones. Maybe you're a caregiver for someone who's going to be crossing over soon. The last thing on your mind is the holidays. It's normal to feel angry when you see others celebrating and you're hurting so deeply.
Speaker 1:And what about the loss of a family pet? Deeply, and what about the loss of a family pet? Our pets are our family and many times people don't realize that their loss is impacted so greatly, no matter how many pets you have. If you have loved a pet and you have lost a pet, I feel that loss with you as well. I lost my cat Fluffy this past February, very suddenly, and there's not a day that goes by that I do not think of her or miss her, or even grieve for her. And never feel grieving for a pet is foolish. They were your family and they deserve to be remembered and honored. No matter how long ago they passed, you still feel their loss. You still remember things. What if they used to cuddle and curl under the Christmas tree? Or what if they used to chase an ornament? Those are the little things you're going to remember.
Speaker 1:The intention of today's episode is to talk about grief during the holidays, not to fix it, but to make room for it, honor it and hopefully offer you a little bit of comfort. Room for it, honor it and hopefully offer you a little bit of comfort. Yesterday. Grief impacts people in many different ways. The other day we visited the cemetery to bring Christmas wreaths to my mom, dad, my brother's grave, as well as my grandparents and my husband's parents and grandparents. It made me sad to realize the most important people in our lives growing up are all in this one place and even though we know they are not there, it's just a representation. Visiting gives us a semblance of comfort, even though their passing was many, many years ago. We still keep the tradition of visiting their resting place a few times a year.
Speaker 1:But for some this triggers more grief. I remember after my dad passed I could not go to visit the grave. I just could not bring myself. I tried many times but I just could not go and it took many years before I was able to go and I felt guilt and grief over not going. But I knew when I was ready I would. When I felt guilt and grief over not going, but I knew when I was ready I would. And I try to go a couple of times a year to be able to bring flowers or mementos, to be able to just pay my respects, Even though I know I'm with them every day. In spirit it's just symbolic for me.
Speaker 1:And there's a dual nature of the holidays. For some it can be joy and pain, for others, and when we discuss holiday grief, which is crucial to normalizing our experience, sometimes we may feel less burdened by the heaviness. Has this ever happened to you? When you share what feels heavy to you, sharing it can sometimes lift the burden and make it a little bit easier. There's nothing wrong with that. Many times we feel pressure to partake in the holiday celebrations. We do it either out of obligation or guilt. But is that really helpful?
Speaker 1:Sometimes traditions and memories trigger grief. Do you have a memory or tradition that comes to mind that brings on a moment of grief or sadness? And remember that sadness can be one of melancholy as well. I know when I remember certain things it's not always about making me sad that that person isn't here. It's the melancholy of the memory that triggers an emotion.
Speaker 1:One for me is an old classic cartoon. Many of you probably have seen it it's the Year Without a Santa Claus. I cry like a baby. Every time I watch it, no matter how many times I see it, I still cry, especially the song that is sung around the table when Santa visits the family of I Believe in Santa Claus. That gets me every time. And the other song is when the little girl writes a letter to Santa. And the song Blue Christmas, I'll have a Blue Christmas Without you, which is Blue Christmas, is being sung by children. It gets me every time. My mom and my aunt love that song, blue Christmas, and when I was growing up and we had family gatherings, I would often be asked to sing it at family functions, gatherings, parties. It's not a bad memory, but it makes me realize that I have more loved ones in spirit than I do here and that makes me a little sad. But at the same time you catch yourself feeling that emotion, that melancholy. Don't hide it away, embrace the feeling of melancholy. That old cartoon also makes me remember being a child anticipating Christmas. My grandmother loved Christmas, as did most of my mom's family.
Speaker 1:I have very vivid memories of Christmas as a little girl. Each Christmas Eve when we got back home after visiting our grandparents and family where they attended Midnight Mass, when my grandmother watched us and we all pretended to sleep. When we got home we could open one present before bed. I always felt around and chose the one that contained a new flannel nightgown. Back then those nightgowns were so soft and fluffy and beautifully adorned with shiny, satiny ribbons. They were around the cuffs, around the neck and they just went around it and it was just so, so pretty. It was such a memory and I remember taking my finger and tracing the outline of that satin ribbon and just feeling such comfort by the texture of it, and the Christmasy designs didn't matter. I wore them all year long. I still remember the softness of the fabric and how it was like getting a warm hug.
Speaker 1:And every year for my birthday and for Christmas, my mom always made sure I had a new nightgown for Christmas. She did this tradition until she passed in 2003. Because she passed a few weeks before Christmas, she had most of her shopping done and my new nightgown included. She had bought me one. My dad found it when he was sorting through things after her passing. He gave it to me and even though my dad was not a Christmas wrapper at all, because my mom took care of all of that, he did his best to wrap that nightgown for me and when he did give it to me I cried. It's been 21 years and although that nightgown is threadbare, I won't part with it. Looking at it, holding it, gives me comfort. Do you have a story about something that brings you comfort among your sadness? I would like to hear it. Please share it with us.
Speaker 1:Grief affects us in many ways. There's no one size fits all. Some people find it easier to navigate and some get stuck in what's called complicated grief. You may hear some people rationalize grief as something cold and statistical, methodical we're here, we're born, we die. That's it. We'll see them again when we get to heaven. I get that and rationally I understand the theory of it. But they feel we are grieving a person who we will see again in the spirit world. And even though that's true, they cannot understand our grief because we are not grieving just the loss of that person. We're grieving all of the missed moments, the empty chairs at the dinner table. We're grieving all of the missed moments, the empty chairs at the dinner table, the memories we can no longer make, all of the happy moments we want to share. What about the conversations we can no longer have? Or a life before they pass and all the future plans that will never happen. That is what we grieve, and sadly it becomes more intense or stronger during the holidays and we know that holiday grief can amplify the loneliness that we feel at other times throughout the year. We can feel the emotional disconnection or the physical absence of our loved ones.
Speaker 1:Have you ever been to a gathering after a loss? In your holding, in your grief, and everyone's life is continuing while you can barely breathe, and sometimes I feel that people don't want to bring up your loss for fear of making you sad. Trust me, our loved ones miss us as much as we miss them. Talk about them, share their memories, laugh about them, laugh about the quirky things they did, tell the stories and keep their memory alive. You aren't in denial. But you're having a continuation of that relationship with them in a spiritually fulfilling way and I know for most people that brings them joy. It brings me joy when I'm able to talk about the things my dad did, my mom did, my brothers did. You know, when my brother Bobby was in his last Christmas concert in elementary school before he passed, he was practicing the song up on the housetop Reindeer's Paws. Every time I hear that song I think of him, but it makes me happy because I see his face in front of me, of him. But it makes me happy because I see his face in front of me and I see that smile, that little toothy smile, and his brown eyes that just twinkled, and even though I miss him dearly, that song just triggers it for me. But you know what? I know that when I hear that song it's kind of like a little tug of saying I'm still with you, and that can happen with any song you hear that triggers that emotion. Think of it as a big hug from your loved one. In spirit.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, but she was a pioneer in her field regarding grief and termed and defined the five stages of grief. And the five stages of grief that were introduced by her were common emotions people experience while processing their loss. And these stages are not linear and not everyone experiences all of them. But I'm going to go a little bit into each one, but not too deep. The first one is denial, which is a feeling of shock or disbelief at the loss, but during the holidays this might manifest as trying to maintain normalcy, avoiding acknowledgement of a missing loved one or changes in tradition. You don't want to believe that they're not there.
Speaker 1:Anger, frustration and resentment about the loss. During the holidays, anger may be directed at the festive things that others are enjoying or the inability to celebrate as in past years. The third one is bargaining. You dwell on what if, or if only In the context of holiday grief, this might involve You're wishing things could be the way they were or attempting to recreate old traditions to regain a sense of control. And then the next one is depression, deep sadness and a sense of hopelessness. The holidays can intensify feelings of loneliness, melancholy, isolation, as traditions and gatherings highlight the absence of someone or something significant. And the fifth one is acceptance, when you come to terms with the reality of the loss. This doesn't mean getting over it, but learning to live alongside it. And during the holidays this might involve creating new traditions or finding meaningful ways to honor the loss.
Speaker 1:And David Kessler, who worked alongside Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, came out with a sixth stage of grief, and we're going to talk about that more when we get to our episode about grief. And he the sixth one. The sixth stage is finding meaning. So if you can find meaning amongst your grief that really would help you during the holidays and any other time. What is the meaning for your grief? What can you do in a positive way to turn that grief into something that could be helpful for someone else? And because the holidays amplify grief, because of the joy and traditions, many at this time of the year bring memories of loved ones, reminders of loss, the unmet expectations, and it makes it harder to navigate the emotions To cope. Some people acknowledge the loss openly with themselves and others they honor their loved ones through rituals like lighting a candle, sharing a story, even buying a special ornament to hang on the tree.
Speaker 1:It's really good, if you can, to set boundaries, to prioritize emotional well-being, such as skipping certain gatherings or even simplifying. There's nothing wrong if you say this year I don't feel like putting up a tree, I don't feel like making Christmas dinner, I don't feel like going here or there. It's okay, it's really, really okay. And if you can, and especially if you have young children at home, you want to create new traditions to reflect their current reality. So if you're experiencing the holiday, if you're experiencing holiday grief in any form, it's important to give yourself grace and lean on people around you supportive relationships and, if necessary and I cannot stress this enough if you are struggling, please, please, please, seek out the help of a mental health therapist, especially one that can specialize in grief. It's so crucial to find someone who can understand you and understand what you're going through. Friends and family can be there and they can mean well, but sometimes, if you're so, so deep in your grief, you may need the help of a therapist. So please definitely seek out a professional therapist to help you.
Speaker 1:So what are some of the triggers for grief, and should you avoid them or embrace them? That's a double-edged sword and I've been at the end of both. Some I've avoided and some I've embraced. One of the things that can, as we talked about, that can amplify your grief, is the remembrance of traditions and memories. Maybe you need to change what and how you do something, and that can be triggering. Sometimes, the fear of changing our traditions because we've done the same thing for so long seems foreign to us, but it's more than okay to change things and do away with other traditions if they no longer fit in your life. Maybe your loved one always wanted ham for dinner, for Christmas dinner, but this year you want to serve lasagna. Trust me, they won't be angry with you.
Speaker 1:And what about expectations? Expectations can be so triggering, especially if you put them upon yourself. If you are expected to be joyful on the holidays and you don't feel it, it's okay. I know there's a lot of pressure from well-meaning friends and family to continue traditions, parties, etc. There is nothing worse, or even exhausting, than pasting out a fake smile and pretending everything is okay, just to keep peace or to not disappoint people. Believe me, I have done that and I think many people have done that as well. If you aren't feeling it, don't do it. That old saying fake it till you make it. That doesn't apply to this. No, if you aren't feeling it, you don't do it. Don't want to set the tree? Don't set the tree. You don't want to go out? Don't go out.
Speaker 1:And I want to talk about the something that is so prominent with grief. It's about the empty chair and its emotional impact. As I said earlier, our loved ones miss us as much as we miss them. What is the harm of setting a place setting for them? You may get some odd looks, but who cares what other people think? If it brings you comfort, do it. It's a way of remembering them. It's not about them thinking that you're not accepting that the person's not there anymore. It's about embracing the new reality. But because they aren't there doesn't mean you have to forget they ever existed, and I know.
Speaker 1:For me, another trigger is music. Music in general has always had a way of bringing people together anytime of the year and they can make you feel certain emotions. Christmas music, holiday music or whatever music you listen to based on your faith, can bring on a tsunami of emotions. Faith can bring on a tsunami of emotions. Have you ever listened to a Christmas song and it just brings that tidal wave in where you're just crying and you just can't stop. It does for me. I mentioned two of them earlier Blue Christmas and I Believe in Santa Claus. But there's another one and this one has significant meaning for me and I'm going to try to get through this without choking up.
Speaker 1:But, as I said in my very first podcast, when I do this podcast it's based on authenticity. So I don't edit out my emotions. I won't edit out little mistakes or words that I fumble because I want you to see. This is real. This is not scripted. This is real. This is not scripted. This is real. So the song that really hits me is the song I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Speaker 1:My mom loved this song, but she also cried every time she heard it, and I come from a really long line of strong, independent, sensitive, empowered women and, yes, we cry at the drop of a hat and we make no apologies for that, and neither do I, so when that song plays, I cannot stop the waterworks. My mom would listen to that every year and even though it made her sad and it made her cry, it was part of her grieving process because of the words, and the words will be different for everyone. Is it someone that is away and can't make it home for Christmas, or is it someone that's no longer here, that's not in your life, for Christmas? Or is it because you've lost someone and they're no longer here? My parents lost my two brothers in 1978 in a tragic accident. She missed them so much and listening to that song brought her comfort, but it also brought a grief at the same time, and it does the same for me and, mind you, I try to listen to it a number of times before the season starts, thinking I could desensitize myself from feeling such emotion, but it never works, and the one version that gets me the most, and that is one by the Carpenters.
Speaker 1:The other song, the other Christmas song, is Silver Bells. Silver Bells. My grandmother loved that song and every time I hear it I think of her and, yes, I cry. But that's not a bad thing. We feel emotions in order to feel things we have to, in order to heal things. We need to feel it, and every time I think of her I cry. But that's not not not the reason why I listen to it. I listen to it because I remember her sitting there singing that song, her twinkling blue eyes. My grandmother lived for Christmas and we need to feel things that evoke such emotion.
Speaker 1:When you're hit with that emotion, try to remember why it hits you the way it does. For me, it reminds me of my loved ones of Christmas's past. I could go on with the examples, but I think you get where I'm coming from with this. It's different for everybody, but don't avoid things. If it just makes you remember something, the tears will come, but they will stop. And what song brings you that kind of emotion on the holidays? Do you find yourself avoiding it or playing it more often the next time you hear it and it affects you. Don't try to avoid the tears or the emotion. Let it wash over you, and then the memory of why it makes you feel a certain way.
Speaker 1:And I want to add this as well If you're thinking of a loved one and a song starts to play on the radio, or wherever you listen to music, synchronicity is everywhere. I like to think, and it has been experience, that our loved ones are thinking of us too. Whether you believe in the afterlife, whether you believe in heaven, whatever you believe in, I choose to believe that we'll see each other again. But I like to think, and it has been my experience, that our loved ones are thinking of us too, and I choose to embrace that fact, and I have had many experiences like that. To brush it off to coincidence, I want to talk about photos for a moment.
Speaker 1:Have you ever been caught yourself looking through photos on your phone or your device and out of the blue, a photo or video pops up or shows up of a loved one? The memory you created with that person, whether it's a happy one or a sad one well, it hits you, but when you watch it, you feel that loss over again. It's not that you use their presence to replace what happened, but you missed the feeling they gave you when you made that memory. This happened to me the other day when my Facebook memory feed popped up and there were videos of my dad at his last Christmas with us. He was sitting there watching us with his infamous Mr Rogers blue sweater on and he was watching our family and my.
Speaker 1:My young grandson, who I believe was around two at the time, put the Christmas tree up and his he got so much joy from watching the excitement on my grandson's face. He was just sitting there watching us and the look on his face, when I look back at that video, reminds me of what he must be feeling, because he was going through, you know, cancer and he was. He was always joyful, no matter what he was feeling. He never complained, but just sitting there watching us do something so simple. And my dad came from simple beginnings, just like my mom did and I. My dad grew up in foster homes and orphanages and he never had really any good Christmases. So anything that we did as children or we did as a family with the grandkids he embraced. But seeing him on that video watching us gave me so much joy because I saw the joy in his eyes and even though it made me sad that he's no longer here, I found joy in just seeing his joy and even though that video of my dad brings me so much sadness as well as joy sad that we'll never create those memories again, but joy that I'm able to relive those amazing videos.
Speaker 1:And another thing that we don't realize that can bring on some holiday grief is remembering our children or our grandchildren at Christmas time, when they were younger and how excited they were and how simple things just brought them so much joy. And of course, they grow up and they do their own things and then their traditions change over what we're used to. But seeing those videos of your children, your grandchildren, family or even family that's no longer here, can make us feel joyful because it's a memory that we're remembering of a time in our life that gave us so much joy. Try to remember that moment of joy when you're seeing those photos. And it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be weepy, it's okay to do all of that. But the other side of that joy is of looking at those photos of when my grandson was little, or the videos. Is that now he's 18 and living his own life and not even aware of how precious those memories are, and that sometimes can evoke some holiday grief as well. It's the loss of the way things used to be, and sometimes we grieve for those times as well. Even though we're grateful and we'll never forget them, we can still grieve for what was.
Speaker 1:What I'm saying is that it's not just music or videos or photos of Christmas or even Christmas cards. Anything can be a trigger or a memory of an emotion over the holidays. Anything can evoke that emotion in you.
Speaker 1:I really don't understand why people think missing our loved ones and feeling so deeply for their loss is such a bad thing. It's an emotion that all of our kindred spirits have and it's part of the human experience. I understand that we all live and we all have an end of life, but it's that space in between life and death that we truly, truly live. It's where the magic happens and that's the part we miss when we lose our loved ones. So please never feel that you have to apologize for feeling the way that you do. How you feel is no one's business, but your own. Your grief is yours alone, and, just like two snowflakes are not the same. It's the same for grief, and it's totally understandable and relatable that the holidays can, and most often will, trigger an emotion, and it doesn't have to be about over the loss of a loved one, but it can also be the loss over something else A loss over a relationship, a job loss, the loss of a friendship. I've had many friendships that I've lost.
Speaker 1:Anything can be a loss and the only way to heal that loss is to understand that it is grief and that we must find a way to heal and be one with that grief. At the same time and that is different for everyone we all process grief and emotions very differently. It's not linear. As I mentioned earlier. Grief is not linear. One day you may be okay, the next day you're not, and then all of a sudden, something triggers it and you're like I thought I was doing better. Don't be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself some grace. There is no set time of when you should be over it. Grief is a personal journey and it's known fact that it's amplified on the holidays, as well as special occasions, birthdays and anniversaries.
Speaker 1:If this is your first holiday without your loved one, I know it's difficult for you. I know it's difficult because I have lost many loved ones and it's not easy to live through. I don't have to imagine the pain that you feel at this time of year. I have lived it as well. You may be feeling that you need to go through the motions for other people in your life, but I ask you to honor how you feel and communicate to others how you feel as well. If you don't share how you feel, you won't be able to get others to understand what you need at that time. I know they would understand. They just would. And if this is your first holiday without a loved one, my heart is filled with compassion and understanding for you. I'm not saying you will never get through this pain again, but over time it does lessen. We never get over losing someone, but we do get through this pain again, but over time it does lessen. We never get over losing someone, but we do get through it. Grief is not something we get over, but we navigate through. It's one of the human experiences we all share as kindred spirits.
Speaker 1:And if you're feeling up to engaging activities, I'm sure some holiday activities may trigger your grief a little bit more, and that's okay, whether you decide to put up a tree, you want to go visit family, you want to go to church, you want to go here or there, it's okay. If you want to pull the covers over your head and stay in bed all day, that's okay too. Please do not buy into the pressures that society and the expectations for something that you're not ready to do. I'm not saying that you should hide away forever and avoid your life. That's not healthy. But holiday grief tends to be a little bit more intense this time of the year it's common to feel and even relive what once was, and that's okay to visit that feeling, but it's not healthy to stay in that dynamic for the long term.
Speaker 1:So we've talked a lot about grief, but what are some ways that you can manage your expectations as well as coping with holiday grief? Have you ever heard of journaling? Journaling is basically the simple activity of writing down your thoughts without thinking about what you're writing about. There is no right or wrong way to do it, and I want to tell you that, even though it may seem hard at first or you may seem like I can't do this, once you put that pen to paper or your fingers on the keyboard, you will start to pour your heart out and over time, you will find this very therapeutic and healing. I know it's helped me quite a bit at many stages in my life. And what about trying to speak openly about how you're feeling? It's okay to share. If you don't feel safe with someone around you to explore those feelings, seek out a therapist or join a local community group. If you're not able to do that, there are many wonderful community support groups on social media, including our podcast group page, which I will link at the end of this episode.
Speaker 1:And it's important to allow space for sadness or even simple joys, without judgment. Set boundaries, decide what traditions you want to participate in and gracefully decline others. Create a sacred space to honor your loved ones Again, lighting candles, sharing memories, dedicating a holiday moment to their memory, and then you can also adapt or create new traditions. But whatever is comfortable for you, and if you need to simplify to reduce your stress, go right ahead. Lean on family, lean on friends You'll know the ones that you can feel comfortable around and give yourself permission to feel the sadness, the anger or the joy.
Speaker 1:I once read a quote that said I sat with my anger long enough until she told me, her real name was grief. What does that mean? It means that if you have lost a loved one, especially the loss of someone, very suddenly, without warning, very quickly, you may be angry, and that is absolutely understandable. But I have been around grief and sadness long enough to know that usually that anger that hangs around is based on things that were unsaid when that person passed so unexpectedly, and that anger is actually grief cloaked in a blanket of anger. You need to find a way to heal that. You can talk to that person as if they were right there, write them a letter, anything that will help you express that anger. And if you find that your grief is triggering more anger within you, again seek out a therapist who can help you through your grief. When my grief over losing my mom in 2003 got too much and I was going down a really dark rabbit hole of not caring about my life, I knew I needed to seek out a therapist, and I did, and it was one of the best things that I could have ever done for me. So I highly recommend seeking out a professional if you are struggling To the point where you're not living your life or you just feel like you're existing. So again, just focus on manageable tasks.
Speaker 1:Think of things that you could do If you don't feel like celebrating the holiday in a traditional sense. What about giving back Volunteer at a shelter, a community kitchen or a charity? Make a donation in the memory of your loved one's name. If you're an animal lover, then how about volunteering at your local animal shelter or your rescue? I know in our area there are many rescues and who doesn't? What pet doesn't want to be hugged or loved? And if you're not able to do that, a donation in their name. And even though holiday grief may have you celebrating the holidays a little differently, it's okay. It's okay if you just say I don't want to deal with it and we've all been there and that is okay.
Speaker 1:And one of the hardest things to do as kindred spirits and living this human experience is to ask for help and then get out of the way and let others help us. People can't help us if they don't know there's a problem. If you're walking around like everything is well in my world and I don't need anything, and in silence and in quietness you're falling apart, that's not helping you. Ask for help, especially, especially around the holidays, when we struggle so deeply. I know I'm not a gracious receiver, I am more of a giver. It takes a lot for me to ask for help, but when I do, I have to allow it to happen and just say thank you. And help comes in many forms. It's just you have to find what's right for you. And what about if you're trying to help someone who's grieving? I have a couple of tips for you.
Speaker 1:If you're listening to this and you just want to help someone who may be experiencing their first holiday while they're loving, or maybe their 10th holiday, offer specific help, like running errands or cooking a meal. I'm going to the grocery store. Can I pick up something for you? And always choose empathy over positivity. What do I mean by that? Avoid toxic positivity. What does that mean? Never say at least they're in a better place, or at least they're not suffering, or God only takes the best ones. Any kind of those things are really not good to say. And take my advice no one, no one, wants to hear that. It's not helpful. Instead, offer phrases like I'm here if you want to talk, or it's okay to feel sad today, or my favorite. I will hold space for you. Tell me what you need right now, at this moment, nothing you will ever say will take away someone's grief, but just being with them and that mindful moment means everything.
Speaker 1:And also respect grief. Recognize that grief looks different for everyone and evolves over time. Don't judge, just be understanding. And if you're at that point where you can balance grief with joy, normalize the coexistence of sorrow and happiness, can they go together? Of course they can. When you're smiling at fond memories while still missing the person deeply, that's okay. Remember gratitude and connection. Reflect on meaningful relationships and moments among your loss and again acts of service. Channel grief into purpose through volunteering or helping others. Acknowledge that grief and joy can coexist. It's okay to laugh and cry in the same breath.
Speaker 1:Grief isn't something we get over. It's something we carry with us and that's part of the human experience. I once read a quote that says the pain you feel now is a reflection of the love you've shared, and it's okay to carry both into the holiday. And my question to you is how do you honor loved ones during the holidays? What traditions have brought you comfort after loss? I would love for you to share your story in the comments or email us or visit our Facebook group page.
Speaker 1:Healing Our Kindred Spirits podcast. The links to everything is in the episode notes at the end of the podcast. We want to hear from you notes at the end of the podcast. We want to hear from you. Grief during the holidays can feel isolating, but sharing your story might help someone else feel less alone. What if what you're going through can help someone see the light a little bit better than just feeling that grief all alone? And whichever way you choose to celebrate your holiday or not celebrate, and whichever way you choose to celebrate your holiday or not celebrate, just know that I wish you comfort, I wish you peace, I wish you grace and I send you much love. Thank you, thank you.
